Loony Is As Loony Does

For a number of months now, Gregg has been training for a Half-Ironman race. I, on the other hand, have been training for the role of "support team" for my dear husband and after witnessing my first Half-Ironman race this past weekend, I have a step-by-step guide for race participants.

Step 1: Decide that you're just a bit loony enough to think that doing a "monster triathlon" seems like a great idea. Sign up for this race way in advance because thousands of other loony people will do the same thing and heaven knows . . . if you don't get your registration entered in time, you will be disappointed 'cause you're loony enough to want to do this in the first place.

Step 2. Go swim. Practice swimming a lot. Practice swimming about 1.2 miles worth 'cause that's what you're gonna do when you go do this Half-Ironman. For extra assistance, buy yourself a wet suit because (SURPRISE!) you're going to do this in a lake and NOT a warm chlorinated swimming pool. You might get some strange looks when you head for the beach when it's over 100 degrees and all the other people swimming are wearing these things called swim suits, but it won't matter 'cause you're a bit loony anyway and don't care.

Step 3. Ride your bike. Practice riding your bike a lot. Practice riding about 56.33 miles worth 'cause that's what you're gonna do when you go do this Half-Ironman. For heaven's sake, make sure you buy yourself some padded shorts too, because your tushy will be sore. REALLY sore!

Step 4. Go run. Practice running a lot. Practice running about 13.1 miles worth 'cause that's what you're gonna do when go do this Half-Ironman. Running in flip-flops is definitely out and as comfy as Crocs are, I don't advise that you wear these either. (Just my own personal observation-I wouldn't know this from experience.)

Step 5. Do steps 2,3, and 4 repeatedly for several months straight . . . rain or shine . . . weekday or weekend and even on holidays. You're in training!!!! This is no time to be a wimp!

Step 6. The night before your race, pack a bag. Because you can benefit from my newly acquired knowledge as a spectator, I can tell you that your bag probably shouldn't be packed with a six-pack of coke and box of twinkies. Nor should you bring an iPod or cell phone to carry on you during the race. Instead, fill your bag full of little foil packets of flavored gel and lots of water bottles. By the way, there is no need to buy water bottles. If you are already this loony to think you want to do one of these races, chances are good that you've done a few others leading up to this and already have nice little collection of water bottles in your possession. Lastly, strongly consider wearing a color that will really stand out for your fan club. If you are a male race participant, I highly suggest hot pink. I didn't see ONE hot pink triathlete suit whatsoever yesterday . . . even on the female race participants.

Step 7. Don't forget to pack ibuprofin. You will need it after the race. (So will anyone else who comes to cheer you on!)

Step 8. Race Eve: Go to sleep. Make sure you hit the hay fairly early . . . like around 3:30 pm prior to race day because here's the thing: not every city hosts a Half-Ironman, (Go figure?) and therefore your cities to choose from will be few and far between. You will probably have to travel. If you are within two hours of your race destination and don't feel the need to rent a hotel room, good luck with that. Between finding a parking space, unloading your gear, setting up your gear and walking to the site of the swim portion, you may very well have to leave your warm comfy bed no later than 3 am prior to the start of the race. Keep in mind that again, this probably won't matter to you because you're already a bit loony and don't care.

Step 9. Ready, set, GO!!! Swim! Bike! Run! Beware of spectators along the way banging on pots and pans and telling you that the finish line is just around the corner. They are lying to you to just make you feel better and push through the pain that you may be experiencing. In their defense, they are working through their own pain of standing in one place for 2 1/2 hours straight with their finger on the button of their camera waiting for a glimpse of their loved one that they came to cheer on. Not only that, but they may have caved to the insane desire to pay $5 for a slice of pizza when they know darn well that they could have bought an entire pizza back home for that same $5. At this point in time, the specators are just as loony as those in the race!

Step 10. DO bring your cell phone. (Just don't carry it with you.) You will need this for after the race in order to connect with your fan club standing 2 miles away, who might still waiting for a glimpse of you to get that precious shot of you approaching the finish line.

Step 11. Upon reaching your fan club by cell phone, hold the phone away from your ear a pretty good distance. This is necessary to protect your ear drums that will be subjected to an audible expression of disappointment from your fan club in the realization that you already crossed the finish line and not a single photo was taken of you to document the culmination of all those months of training, wet suit purchases and lack of sleep in the last 24 hours.

Step 12. Take some of that ibuprofin that you brought along. For an extra measure of kindness, offer some to your fan club.

Step 13. This is for race participants AND fan clubs: Do NOT, under any circumstance, discuss "next year's Half-Ironman." It will simply be too painful for all parties involved.

Thanks for reading. I hope this was a help to my readers today, in spite of the lengthiness of this post. It would have been a little shorter if I'd had some photos to share from this weekend's race but alas, not one stinkin' photo.

But then, you probably already figured that, didn't you?